When Should I Be Worried About My Child’s Mental Health?

Understanding the signs, starting the conversation and knowing when to seek support.

As parents, one of the hardest things we can experience is seeing our child struggle and not knowing what to do.

Children and young people can experience worry, stress, anxiety, low mood, anger, frustration and periods of feeling overwhelmed. Some of these emotions are a normal part of growing up. But sometimes, changes in our child’s behaviour can be a sign that they are struggling more than they are able to communicate.

The challenge for parents is knowing the difference.

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to be a mental-health professional. Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is notice, listen and be there.

What should parents look out for?

There isn’t one single sign that tells you a child is struggling with their mental health. Often, it is a change from their normal behaviour that is worth paying attention to.

You may notice that your child:

• Becomes increasingly withdrawn or spends much more time alone
• Stops enjoying activities they previously loved
• Appears persistently sad, tearful, irritable or angry
• Seems unusually anxious, worried or fearful
• Becomes much more sensitive to criticism or perceived failure
• Has difficulty sleeping, or is sleeping significantly more than usual
• Experiences changes in appetite or eating habits
• Finds it difficult to concentrate or make decisions
• Struggles with school, college, sport or other activities
• Becomes increasingly reluctant to attend school or social activities
• Has frequent physical complaints such as headaches or stomach aches without an obvious physical explanation
• Becomes unusually aggressive, argumentative or emotional
• Talks negatively about themselves or their future
• Says things such as “I’m useless”, “Nobody cares”, “What’s the point?” or “I’m a burden”
• Appears overwhelmed by situations that they previously managed well

One sign on its own doesn’t necessarily mean there is a mental-health problem. It’s the pattern, the intensity, how long it lasts and how much it is affecting their everyday life that matters.

Don’t underestimate the quieter signs

Not every child who is struggling will look sad. Some young people become incredibly good at hiding how they feel. They may continue going to school, achieving academically, training, competing in sport and appearing happy around their friends while feeling completely overwhelmed internally.

Sometimes anxiety can look like anger. Sometimes sadness can look like withdrawal. Sometimes fear can look like avoidance. Sometimes perfectionism can be a sign that a young person is putting enormous pressure on themselves.

And sometimes “I don’t care” actually means “I care so much that I don’t know how to cope.”

This is why our relationship with our children matters so much.

Start with connection, not interrogation

If you are worried about your child, your first instinct may be to ask: “What’s wrong?” And when they respond with “Nothing”, it can be incredibly frustrating.

But repeatedly asking questions can sometimes make a young person feel pressured. Instead, try creating opportunities for conversation without demanding one:

• Go for a walk together
• Sit in the car
• Make a drink
• Watch something together
• Do something they enjoy

Sometimes a conversation happens much more naturally when you aren’t sitting directly opposite each other asking difficult questions.

Try phrases such as:

“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little different recently. I just wanted you to know I’m here if you want to talk.”

“You don’t have to explain everything to me. I just want you to know you don’t have to deal with things on your own.”

“I’m not going to judge you. I want to understand.”

And perhaps most importantly: listen before trying to fix. Your child may not need you to immediately solve the problem. They may simply need to feel heard.

What if they don’t want to talk?

Don’t give up after one conversation. A child saying “I’m fine” doesn’t necessarily mean they are fine. Equally, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are hiding something.

Keep the door open. Let them know:

“That’s okay. You don’t have to talk right now. But whenever you’re ready, I’m here.”

Then continue being there. Check in again. Keep doing normal things together. Keep the relationship strong. Your consistency can be incredibly reassuring to a young person who feels that everything else around them is changing.

Ask direct questions when you are genuinely concerned

Parents sometimes worry that asking a child directly about difficult thoughts might make things worse. It is okay to ask.

If you are concerned that your child may be thinking about hurting themselves or taking their own life, don’t be afraid to ask them directly and calmly. You could say:

“Sometimes when people feel this overwhelmed, they can have thoughts about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here. Have you had thoughts like that?”

Asking the question does not put the idea into their head. If they say yes, take them seriously. Stay calm, listen and seek appropriate professional support rather than trying to manage the situation entirely on your own. If you believe your child is in immediate danger, seek urgent help.

When should you seek professional support?

You don’t have to wait until things become a crisis. Consider seeking additional support if your child’s difficulties:

• Are becoming more frequent or intense
• Have continued for a significant period of time
• Are affecting school, friendships, family life, sleep, eating or activities
• Are causing significant distress
• Are preventing them from doing things they would normally enjoy
• Involve self-harm
• Include thoughts about death or suicide
• Are causing you to feel that you don’t know how to support them safely

Speaking to a professional isn’t a sign that you’ve failed as a parent. It is a sign that you care enough to get your child the right support. You can start by speaking with your GP, school or college pastoral/wellbeing team, or an appropriate children’s mental-health service.

Remember: you don’t need to be the therapist

One of the biggest pressures parents can put on themselves is believing they have to “fix” their child’s mental health. You don’t.

Your role isn’t necessarily to have the perfect answer. Your role is to help your child feel seen, heard, accepted, safe and supported.

Sometimes the most powerful words a parent can say are: “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

And look after yourself too

Supporting a child who is struggling can be emotionally exhausting. Parents can experience worry, guilt, frustration, fear and helplessness. You may find yourself asking “What have I done wrong?”, “Why didn’t I notice sooner?” or “How do I make this better?”

Try to remember that struggling with mental health isn’t a parenting failure. You cannot always prevent your child from experiencing difficult emotions or challenging circumstances. But you can help create an environment where they know they don’t have to face those experiences alone.

A final thought for parents

You know your child better than anyone. If something doesn’t feel quite right, don’t ignore that feeling - but don’t panic either.

Pause. Observe. Connect. Listen. Talk. And if you need additional support, ask for it.

Sometimes the first step towards helping a young person isn’t finding the perfect solution. It’s simply letting them know: “I’m here. I’m listening. And we’ll work through this together.”

K&RYN

At K&RYN, I believe that supporting young people’s wellbeing isn’t simply about what happens when someone reaches crisis point. It’s about helping people understand themselves, build confidence, develop healthier ways of responding to challenges and recognise that asking for support is a strength, not a weakness.

If you’re a parent who is worried about your child’s mental wellbeing, you don’t have to know exactly what to do before you reach out for support. Sometimes, the first step is simply starting the conversation.

My K&RYN Mind (re)Set sessions are a great place to start with helping your child to learn to understand and navigate a safe and positive way forward for their mental health.

If you are worried right now

If you’re reading this because you’re worried about your child right now, please don’t feel that you have to deal with it alone.

If you are seriously concerned but there isn’t an immediate emergency
Speak to your GP, or contact your child’s school, college or other healthcare professional and explain what you’ve noticed. You can also contact NHS 111 for urgent advice and guidance. You don’t need to wait until things become a crisis before asking for help.

If your child wants to talk to someone independently
Sometimes a young person may find it easier to talk to someone outside the family. Childline offers free, confidential support for children and young people in the UK on 0800 1111. Let them know that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign that they don’t have to carry everything on their own.

Most importantly…

Trust your instincts. You don’t need to diagnose your child. You don’t need to have all the answers. You simply need to notice, listen and take their feelings seriously.

If you’re worried, start the conversation.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you have found it useful and informative. If you need any help or support, please do reach out to me in the first instance.

Diesel.